The Stupid Jokes Thread

[The Emperor]

[The Diva]

Housework-challenged husband


One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife:
“What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?

He yelled back: “University of Oklahoma”


And they say blondes are dumb.

[The Diva]

The Frog and Golf

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to

the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,

'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, hehears ;

'Ribbit 9 Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.


Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies,

'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.


'What do you think frog?' the man asks.

'Ribbit 3 wood.' The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the

best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,

'OK where to next?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas'

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,

'OK frog, now what?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks,

'What do you think I should bet?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but

after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table .The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the

hotel. He sits the frog down and says,

'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'


The frog replies, 'Ribbit KissMe.'

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for

him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a

gorgeous 16-year-old girl.

'And that, your honor, is how the girl

ended up in my room. So help me God

or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

[The Diva]

Matrimonial advice from a considerate husband




It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
woman.

My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has became necessary for Susie to
get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she
gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the
club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked
grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her
any (if you know what I mean).. I like to think tact is one of my strong
points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well
make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth
to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff



* EDITOR'S NOTE ** :
*
Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver
II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury
took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that
Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[The Diva]

“The PEON”
I'm not allowed to drive the train
The whistle I can not blow,
I'm not the one who designates
How far the train shall go

I'm not allowed to blow off steam
Or even ring the bell
But Let the damn thing jump the track
And see who catches hell !!

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