Very very funny!
I will personally abide to #6 and #7 when the Brits:
1. Produce a decent (read drinkable) bottle of wine
2. Have dishes that do not include such ingredients as animal heads, stomachs or other things that in America we refer to as "garbage"
3. Do something about those horrid horrid teeth!
please refer to the "Big Book of British Smiles"
I ( also) found this lovely piece... enjoy!
SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:
We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we’re amused by your quaint belief that you’re actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!
However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a “backwards step” by the majority of the world.
To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
1. Look up “aluminum” in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh; if you wanted it pronounced ‘Eddinburra’ you should have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as “fortnight.” The correct term is “a two week period.” You will learn words such as “credenza,” “intern,” and “chad.”
2. There is no such thing as “UK English.” UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
3. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won’t be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds, and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as “caravanning.” It is properly called “camping.” The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called “tenting”.
4. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year—be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Oh, and name your children after interesting medical conditions.
5. You will not have guns. In the eyes of mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).
6. You’re doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing; it’s cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That’s why we bought the companies.
7. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so (though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.)
8. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries—light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies, and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.
9. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed ‘ale’ and the FDA has determined it to be unfit for human consumption.
10. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash, or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use “Mockney” and “Posh” British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back; he’s a lousy actor and we don’t want him either.
11. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn’t contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be ‘good guys’.
12.Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse, or Geordie.
13. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don’t have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.
14. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn’t real football. If it doesn’t require 45 pounds of padding, it isn’t football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can’t understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips, and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
15. It’s inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let’s not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that “Rule Britannia” ditty—it’s toetapping.
Or maybe Elton John could adapt “Candle In The Wind” again for you guys.
16. We’ll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for “Teletubbies”.
Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.
P.S. — Regarding WW2: You’re welcome.